Who would have thought that Ben Crane is the PGA Tour’s budding comedian?
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Category Archives: Humor
Liz Lemon Flashbacks
Pepsi Cindy
In our ongoing series of innovative commercials, Cindy Crawford reminds us of how good those old Pepsi commercials were.
With Judge Porteous’ Friends
Who needs enemies? That’s what Nola.com’s James Gill is asking after sitting through U.S. District Judge G. Thomas Porteous, Jr.’s impeachment trial last week (previous post here). Several of the judge’s friends testified for the defense about how they would slip him some money on the side:
Several of those friends were in the habit of slipping Porteous money, and Turley decided to put one of them, Don Gardner, on the stand. That was asking for trouble too, and Gardner promptly provided it by admitting that a federal litigant, alarmed to discover that the other side had retained some friends of Porteous, paid him $100,000 as a counterbalance.
Gardner conceded that he was recruited for the case, although he lacked any relevant expertise, as "a pretty face, someone who knew the judge." He added that he could have pocketed an extra $100,000 by persuading Porteous to recuse himself, but made no attempt to do so, not wanting to be a "whore."
Senators probably did not agree that Gardner’s virtue was intact.
Which reminded me of one of the following joke about a crooked judge:
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," said the judge. "Each of you has presented me with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Mohanty, gave me $50,000," observed the judge. "And you, attorney Venkat, gave me $60,000."
The judge reached into his pocket, pulled out $10,000, and handed it to attorney Venkat.
"Now that I’ve returned $10,000 to attorney Venkat," exclaimed the judge proudly, "I’m going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
Take a test or watch the Aggie game? That is the question
The fascinating culture of Texas A&M University football has been a frequent topic on this blog over the years. So, when a current student posted the following dilemma on an Aggie message board, hilarity ensued:
[A professor] scheduled a test on Thursday the 30th from 6-8. When we told him there is a game (Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma State) that night, he just laughed. Here are a list of options I have, please offer any advice.
- Take the test quickly and watch second half
- Record game and start from beginning when I get home, roommates would not be happy
- skip test
- fake illness
- actually get sick and go to quack shack for a university excused absence
- drop the class
Help me out TexAgs.
My favorite response came from an alum who got kicked out of class for bringing Reveille, the collie that is the Aggie mascot, to the class. He advised the professor upon leaving:
"This is your class and I will respect your rules, but please know that you are more expendable to the university than this dog."
Voice Recognition Elevator
Are you ready for some football?
The draft of Year XXIII of the Fantasy Football League of Houston (yes, that’s year 23 – our league was one of the first) was held last night and a good time was had by all. And thankfully, Norman Tugwater did not show up.
Sidewalk Socrates
In several respects, my mentor and dear friend Ross Lence was similar to legendary Columbia philosophy professor Sidney Morgenbesser — a consummate teacher and witty thinker who didn’t care much for academia’s preoccupation with publishing.
So, I enjoyed reading this James Ryerson/NY Times Magazine profile (H/T Al Roberts) of Morgenbesser that reminded me of a funny philosophy story involving Morgenbesser that Professor Lence had passed along to me with relish many years ago:
In the academic world, custom dictates that you may be considered a legend if there is more than one well-known anecdote about you.
Morgenbesser, with his Borscht Belt humor and preternaturally agile mind, was the subject of dozens. In the absence of a written record of his wisdom, this was how people related to him: by knowing the stories and wanting to know more.
The most widely circulated tale — in many renditions it is even presented as a joke, not the true story that it is — was his encounter with the Oxford philosopher J. L. Austin.
During a talk on the philosophy of language at Columbia in the 50’s, Austin noted that while a double negative amounts to a positive, never does a double positive amount to a negative.
From the audience, a familiar nasal voice muttered a dismissive, “Yeah, yeah.”
Grad School?
A clever video for a new book (H/T Craig Newmark).
The Tiger Mike Memos
The oil and gas business in Houston has generated its share of characters over the past century. But few have been as colorful as Edward “Tiger Mike” Davis.
Tiger Mike owned an independent exploration and production company in Houston during the boom days of the late 1970’s and early 80’s, and then directed his company through a volatile chapter 11 case during the depression in the oil and gas industry in the mid-80’s. I have always thought that one of the most impressive credentials of Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals Chief Judge Edith Jones is that she represented Tiger Mike during his company’s chapter 11 case. Based on her representation of Tiger Mike alone, Edith definitely understands the challenge of representing a difficult client.
Legend has it that Tiger Mike was born in Lebanon, had no formal education and eventually emigrated to the US, where he was a cabbie in Denver. He was hired by wealthy Helen Bonfils’ husband and remained her chauffeur after his death, which eventually led to his marriage with the 70 year-old widow. After her death, Tiger Mike inherited a part of her fortune, which he invested in several drilling rigs that he later sold at a substantial profit. That was his stake into the exploration and production business, where he proceeded to drill 50-odd dry holes and spiraled into bankruptcy.
The stories of Tiger Mike resonate in Houston oil and gas circles to this day. At one point, Tiger Mike was allegedly carrying on a torrid affair with one of the McGuire sisters (a popular singing group from the 1960’s) at the same time as Ms McGuire was the mistress of Sam Giancana, the notorious Chicago Mafia boss. No one was ever quite sure whether Tiger Mike had Sam’s consent to that arrangement.
Another time, during a particularly difficult work-out negotiations over a botched drilling project, Tiger Mike waltzed into a conference room filled with creditors and their lawyers in his trademark one-piece khaki polyester leisure suit with white shoes and belt. He proceeded to throw his briefcase on the conference room table, grabbed a 45 caliber pistol out of the briefcase and slammed it on the table to the astonishment of everyone in the room.
“Now,”ù exclaimed Tiger Mike. “It’s time to deal!”ù
All of which is a prelude to the the always-observant Letters of Note‘s posting of the hilarious Tiger Mike Memos,ù a series of 22 interoffice memos that the “incredibly amusing, painfully tactless, and seemingly constantly angry”ù Tiger Mike sent to his employees over the years.ù
To those of us in Houston who remember Tiger Mike, none of them are surprising in the slightest. But they are fun. Enjoy!