The Onion strikes again!

This Gawker post passes along the following farewell email (or is it a flamethrower?) from a departing associate at Los Angeles-based Paul, Hastings, Janofsky, and Walker, LLP:

Subject: FW: Goodbye…
As many of you are aware, today is my last day at the firm. It is time for me to move on and I want you to know that I have accepted a position as “Trophy Husband”. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident this new role represents a welcome change in my life and a step up from my current situation. While I have a high degree of personal respect for PHJW as a law firm, and I have made wonderful friendships during my time here, I am no longer comfortable working for a group largely populated by gossips, backstabbers and Napoleonic personalities. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be dressed up like a pinata and beaten than remain with this group any longer. I wish you continued success in your goals to turn vibrant, productive, dedicated associates into an aimless, shambling group of dry, lifeless husks.
May the smoke from any bridges I burn today be seen far and wide.
Respectfully submitted,
[SIGNED]
ps. Achilles absent, was Achilles still. (Homer)

Hat tip to Brian Leiter for the link to this hilarious post.

As the members of my old Clear Thinkers email list know, I enjoy reading British obituaries. The British have a long and special talent for writing witty obituaries, and the good folks over at Southern Appeal point us to the latest example, this London Telegraph obituary of Admiral of the Fleet Lord Hill-Norton, who died this past Sunday at the age of 89. The entire obituary is a hoot, and you get a flavor for it in the first two paragraphs:

Admiral of the Fleet Lord Hill-Norton, who died on Sunday aged 89, was a formidable Chief of the Defence Staff before becoming the senior military officer in the Nato alliance; he also had a reputation for being one of the rudest men in the Royal Navy.
Almost from the beginning of his career some considered him destined either to be court martialled or to end up as First Sea Lord. His reputation for ruthless efficiency and meticulousness, combined with good luck and an irritating habit of being right, took him to the top. This made it seem all the more strange when, as a retired officer in the House of Lords, he placed rather more credence on the possible existence of unidentified flying objects than did less talented individuals.

Sounding like a character out of the brilliant British comedy “Fawlty Towers,” Lord Hill-Norton’s immediate post-WWII duties are described as follows:

By now his reputation as an abrasive and short-tempered officer was well established. He was in the habit of answering the telephone with the words: “Gunnery Division. Hill-Norton. Kindly state your business briefly; we’re busy men here.” An inadequate response would result in the telephone receiver being slammed down.

Even in retirement, the Lord’s demeanor did not improve, as is reflected by his reaction to some proposed cuts in military appropriations:

The defence cuts ordered by Options for Change did not improve his view of politicians, whom he regarded as sufferers from sea blindness. He was scathing about proposals to economise on Armed Forces pensions, and most notoriously called the then defence secretary Michael Portillo “a little creep” for suggesting the sale of Admiralty Arch.

But in classic British obituary style, Lord Hill-Norton’s obit closes with an acknowledgement of his good side:

Although Hill-Norton was feared, hated and respected in equal measure he led from the front. His harsh manner and foul language belied a man who could, on rare occasions, demonstrate an otherwise well-concealed humanity. He was always receptive to sound arguments but would not suffer fools or those who weakened before his onslaughts.
He married, in 1936, Margaret Linstow, whom he selflessly brought out of hospital to nurse at home himself in recent years. She survives him, with their daughter and son, Vice-Admiral Sir Nicholas Hill-Norton.

From the “News in Brief” section of the Onion:

Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department
CHEYENNE, WY?After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. “Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist,” Jacobs said. “Also, my house was burning down.” Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

From an Easter egg hunt in Flint, Michigan:

Children on Easter Egg Hunt Find Guns
April 10, 2004 11:17 p.m. EST
FLINT, Mich. – A group of children hunting for Easter eggs Saturday during a church event found two loaded handguns outside an elementary school.
Flint police said officers were called to the scene and also recovered a BB gun and a broken toy gun on the grounds of Gundry Elementary School. No one was injured, Sgt. Michael Coote said.
One of the guns discharged when it was dropped, according to a police report, but it was unclear who dropped it.
The pastor of Ruth Street Baptist Church told WJRT-TV of Friday that one of the handguns had a bullet in the chamber, and the other handgun’s clip had bullets in it.
“It’s terrible that something like this has happened,” Pastor Namon Marshall told the station.
Coote said he did not know how long the guns had been in the park.
Police opened an investigation after confiscating the weapons.

From the incomparable Stu’s Views:

Easter Bunnies — beware! Hat tip to the Southern Appeal for the link.

One defendant’s method.